The Scene: Local office of the Republican Party in Useless County, WV
The Players: Secretary of the local party Hugh Jim Becile; Applicant Seeking Office E. Ger Beaver
Secretary: So you’d like to run under our party label, right? Which position are you seeking?
Applicant: I want to run to be the dogcatcher for Big Ugly West Virginia.
Secretary: Is that so? Well, there are a few questions I have for you before we can allow you to share our label. You ready to hear them?
Applicant: Sure. I’m willing to do anything within reason.
Secretary: Ok. First, are you now or have you ever been associated with the Communist Party.
Applicant: Of course not. Boy, I hope the rest of the questions are as easy.
Secretary: Do you believe that the Presidential Election was stolen in 2020? Do you pledge fealty to Donald Trump’s position?
Applicant: Uhm, I’m not sure. Didn’t Trump win this state by about 40%?
Secretary: We’re not going to get very far if you reject the core principles of the Republican Party. Let me ask you again, do you believe the Presidential election of 2020 was stolen?
Applicant: Sure, I guess so. If you say so, it must have been.
Secretary: Good. We can proceed with the rest of the questions. Do you think the inflation we are currently seeing is solely the responsibility of Joe Biden?
Applicant: Yeah, I can see that. Put me down as yes.
Secretary: Correct answer. Now, do you agree that LGBT is bad, and anyone who supports any aspect of LGBT is just another groomer preparing our precious children to violate their covenant with God by choosing to become homosexual?
Applicant: Now wait a minute. I’ve got a nephew who you could tell way back when he was 4 he was going to want to be a girl. Do you mean I have to denounce him or her to get your approval?
Secretary: Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Someone must have put that idea in that little boy’s head and turned him away from God way back then.
Applicant: Boy, I don’t know about that. Seems to me he was always that way. But if I have to in order to get approval, then yes, I agree.
Secretary: I’m not so sure I like your attitude. We’ve got a lot of folks who don’t hesitate at all in order to get our sign-off. Let’s see if you can show me how much you really believe in Republican principles now.
Applicant: Ok, go ahead and ask the rest of your questions.
Secretary: Do you agree that the media is attacking God-fearing Republicans like Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, Jim Jordan, and Madison Cawthorn, and because of that bias, they should be banned from covering any Republican events?
Applicant: I’m not sure I even know all of those folks. Are they Republicans?
Secretary: I’m losing patience with you. Of course they are Republicans, they are the up and coming stars of the Republicans in the years to come. You can’t bear our flag if you don’t recognize our leaders.
Applicant: Oh, yeah, sure. I’ve heard of them. Yeah, those media folks are real meddlers. Keep ‘em out.
Secretary: Almost done. Do you believe that Donald Trump was divinely selected to be our leader, and anything he has done in the past doesn’t matter, because he only has our best interests at heart?
Applicant: Well, he doesn’t fit in with some of the folks I learned about in church. Seems to me he has a lot to be forgiven for. But yeah, I do agree with you.
Secretary: Great. It gives me great pleasure to give you the endorsement of our Republican party to run for, uh, which office was it again?
Applicant: Dogcatcher of Big Ugly.
Secretary: Yes, our endorsement for this office. You can have it as soon as you write us a check for $2500 so we know you are serious.
Applicant: I ain’t got any money. I wanted to be elected dogcatcher so I could get a pay check.
Secretary: So let me understand, you refuse to donate to the Republican party? I’m sorry, this discussion is over. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.
Applicant: I wonder if there still is a Democrat party in this county so I can get on a ballot. I need a job.