Month: March 2024

5th Avenue Shootout

evenabrokenclock10Leave a comment

Beelzebub bowed down to the Don. “What an easy mark he is,” thought the Devil. “Just a little bit of flattery and he’s eating out of my hand.”

The Donald looked around him. They were alone, so no one else could see this remarkable exchange taking place. He had finally arrived! Someone the Donald looked up to was paying homage to him. “Go on, get up. No need for formality here.”

Beelzebub took advantage of the proffered familiarity, and slunk over to the Donald’s side, taking his arm. “You already have just about anything I can offer. The best women money can buy, the camaraderie of those leaders you like to pal around with, sycophants who thought they held power in this nation until they came up against you. What more do you desire?”

The Donald thought for a brief moment. “I want to make it certain I get elected, then I want to never have to have an election after that.”

Beelzebub pondered on how best to make this bargain. He had already received the Donald’s soul wrapped up in a bow. The only thing left was the submission of the foreclosure notice. Then he knew. He knew what he could do that would provide the ultimate takedown for this preposterous charlatan so looked up to by his admirers. “You know that thing you said about shooting someone on 5th Avenue and not losing a supporter? Well, we can make that happen, and once it does, no one will ever challenge you again.” Beelzebub looked around, making certain no one else could overhear them. “I’ll get you Alvin Bragg out there on 5th Avenue. You can’t ask for anything more.”

The Donald appeared gleeful. “That’s wonderful. I’ve always wanted to take down that stuffed shirt. How he ever got elected, I’ll never know. One of those affirmative action hires for sure. Probably has immigrant blood in him.”

Beelzebub stroked his goatee. This was going better than he had any reason to expect. Not only was the mark accepting the bargain, he was pushing the bounds by asking for more.

Since Beelzebub was nearly omnipotent, the Donald instantly found himself outside of his namesake tower, holding a semi-automatic rifle just like the images he would see festooned on banners his followers liked to display. Only those banners had muscular definition that the Donald sorely lacked, though no one dared to mention it to the Donald. Sure enough, walking across the street the Donald could pick out the form of Alvin Bragg. The Donald raised the rifle, and pulled the trigger. Since this was still under the control of Beelzebub, the Donald found that the rifle he held was fully automatic. The rapid firing did bring down the Manhattan DA, but also brought down dozens of other denizens of Manhattan as collateral damage.

The Donald yelled excitedly. “Got him. I got him.”

Swiftly the Donald’s Secret Service escorts came up and grabbed the offending weapon from his hands. One of his escorts put his finger on the trigger, and it fired wildly across 5th Avenue. That unlucky agent was instantly gunned down by the others in the patrol. The agents huddled, and soon came up with the story that it was only a rogue agent who was responsible for the carnage. The Donald was totally innocent.

His legend grew. Those who were hesitant at giving their total allegiance, now could barely stand the wait in line to give their own obeisance to the Donald. Those who had spoken up previously somehow mysteriously lost their voices. It was strange to see the leading subject matter on networks like MSNBC, now disappearing into the cable void. They had to find new topics to take the time. Did you know that Anthony Fauci is now employed by pharmaceutical companies? I didn’t until the topic of the Donald disappeared from view. So what that his employment is truly with academia, we all know who’s really paying the bill.  

The campaign flew past in a blur. Those who had talked about the interminable length of the upcoming campaign, had to swallow their words as the news cycle swung around to the unbearable lightness of the Donald’s being, as each pronouncement became more favorable for the Donald. Election day was upon the US, and the outcome was a foregone conclusion. Not only was it possible for the Donald to shoot someone on 5th Avenue, and not lose support, but somehow the actual act of shooting folks on 5th became part of the allure of the Donald. Why vote for steady competence when you could vote for the nation’s latest superhero! The Donald, with his photo shopped abs, holding an AK! The voters of this nation spoke with almost one voice, selecting the obese one to lead the country. Soon it would be inauguration day.

Beelzebub rubbed his hands together in glee. Time to foreclose.

Poor Choices? It’s Up To Us

evenabrokenclock10Leave a comment

In the rest of the northern hemisphere, Spring is inexorably coming. The daffodils have burst forth, and the Lenten roses are blooming. In the isolated world of politics, winter is coming. We face a reprise of the 2020 election in the US, with two flawed candidates leading their respective party tickets. Meanwhile, the legislature in the state of West Virginia has fitfully drawn to a close, with extended debate over culture war touchpoints, and not much else. It seems that the faults inherent in the original constitution have finally manifested themselves in our current political climate. We have the reality of the supreme body of the judicial branch, which is suffering from the lowest approval ranking of its long duration, and it also suffers from the sclerosis of its longest tenured members thinking they have all the answers, therefore they have inherent rights most of us can only dream about.

We have a legislative branch which has twisted itself into knots, bringing Shakespeare’s line to mind. Merely a sound and fury, signifying nothing. At the same time, the effectiveness of the executive branch of government is greatly hamperedt, with many in one party doubting the legitimacy of the current leader based only upon the repeated bleating of the past leader and his minions.

You can go back a long time and never come up with a time when all three branches of government were viewed with as much disdain as is found today. Always there was at least one branch of the three-headed creature called the US Federal Government which would fulfill its purpose as spelled out in the Constitution. Now? It seems like we continue to have crises in confidence streaming out hourly through social and commercial media. No longer is it necessary to hide your hypocrisy or your racism. In fact, if you don’t manifest it daily, you will be outed as a “gasp” liberal or RINO, since you obviously are not a true believer.

We don’t have to believe in nasty facts anymore. We do not need a common understanding of any situation. Just sit back and let the languid tones of your political superiors wash over you like a full-body massage. After all, you never need to really understand the implications of our political choices. If you say often enough that one candidate is enfeebled due to advanced age, then it entitles you to a free pass for all of your own gaffes, and allows you to claim execution of “sarcasm” as a reason for your misstatements.

What I really dislike is the tendency of people to assume problems that have built up over a 50-year period are owned strictly by the party currently in charge of the Executive branch of government. Memory does not extend back to the abhorrent acts of the previous administration. Well, for those who wish to understand why so many folks in the US are unhappy, it would be good to review the income distribution for the US. The last data I’ve seen was from 2019, so it does not cover the pandemic and subsequent recovery. That data shows 30% of families across the US earn $40,000 or less. For a full-time employee, that is less than $20 / hour. I would maintain that this amount is not sufficient to live on and support a family in any metropolitan area within the US. Even in my depressed area of West Virginia, that level of income would not allow you to live unless you already owned your house outright. And even then, the mandatory bills keep increasing. Utility bills in this state are soon to eclipse housing cost, as this state holds onto coal-based electricity, and inefficient water and gas utilities. A base level of utility service is approaching $500/month. For those who are retired, with inflexible incomes, these increases in utility costs are causing real hardship.

Yet our taxation and other governmental policies seem to indicate a lack of concern for these folks. Every program aimed at assisting these people who are working hard, is viewed as yet another handout for the undeserving. Indeed, there is a supposition of moral superiority for those who do not need any governmental assistance. Why do you think there is such a preference for unearned income (capital gains, dividends) in the Federal tax system vs. earned income (wages). Since taxation represents a moral judgement, the tax system at a Federal level reveals a strong preference for not working but merely using money to make more money.

There are so many cases where the moneyed class decry any assistance to the working class, on the stated belief that those who labor for a living do not deserve to receive governmental largesse, but giving taxation relief to the moneyed classes is morally required, since all taxation is viewed as illegal taking (thanks Ayn Rand). Now this group has its sights set on the WV income tax, and is slowly reducing the taxation stream to the state, even though the income tax is 40% of state revenues. This is something that affects me personally. My taxes will be reduced, while a world of need exists throughout the state.

We have lost the ability to share a burden as a nation. We cannot comprehend that we need a viable service class, which means paying them a living wage. When prices go up (as has happened with fast food), we scream for succor. How many problems could be solved if people accepted increasing the revenue side for the government, instead of focusing solely on the “excess spending”. We will never solve the problems of this nation or state if we insist upon continuing the path begun under Ronald Reagan. Taxation is not an unreasonable taking, it is part of the cost associated with living inside of a society that is not tearing itself into pieces. Those who are insisting upon nouveau isolationism will find out sooner or later the truth of the old advertising adage – you can pay me now, or pay me later. And the cost of later payment will likely be much much higher than the costs associated with paying now.

Slimey’s Merchandising

evenabrokenclock10Leave a comment

I luxuriated in the feel of the February sunshine as I sat on a bench next to the Tidal Basin. It always felt good to enjoy the pre-spring warmth, tempered by the air cooled by the water nearby. Soon the trees would be wreathed in blossom, and this walk would be overwhelmed with tourists intent on capturing the perfect Instagram picture of the cherry trees. But for now, I had the entire basin nearly to myself.

Nearly to myself. That is what I thought I had. But soon I became aware of another presence coming towards me from behind. I turned around on the bench, and saw my friend Slimey approach me. Now Slimey was the original DC swamp monster, in fact, I first saw him coming out of the Tidal Basin. He is an 8’ tall reptile, sporting rapier-like claws and teeth that could tear you from end to end. But as Slimey became more used to human life, he began to lose some of his ferocity. Of course, the tailored suit he wore helped a great deal. Why, except for his tail which his trousers failed to cover, he looked just like any lobbyist from K Street.

Slimey came up, and sat at the opposite end of the bench. He said, in his sibilant-accented voice, “Friend. I hoped to find you here. Would you have a minute or two to help me with my research?”

Now, I did have plenty of time. But it is always the best of discretion to do whatever Slimey requested. We had a good relationship, but the possibility of his tearing my head off was constantly in my mind, whenever Slimey and I shared a space. So I said, “Sure. How can I help?”

Slimey smiled, then began. “I’ve been appointed merchandising manager for the Donald J. Trump On-line Emporium. Because of the overwhelming success of the shoes, we are trying to come up with new products that will move the needle just a bit, and manage to knock off just a few mill of the penalties that the legal system has imposed. You.” And here he paused for a moment, to turn and look at me. Slimey’s head could not move independently of his body, so it took longer for him to look directly at me. He continued. “You are part of my focus group. Not everyone I meet is willing to overlook my appearance, but you always have. Thank-you for that, friend.”

Well, flattery will get you anywhere, and even if it is coming from an 8’ tall reptile, I felt warmth run through me that wasn’t induced from the sun. I said, “Go on. I’m dying to hear about the products you have come up with.”

Slimey took that in, and bobbed his head slightly. He began. “First, there’s the Donald J. Trump hot air balloon. Just an ordinary latex balloon, but covered in a pithy saying, and complete with an inflator that exposes the saying, while filling the balloon with hot air. Floats for just a while, then comes back down to earth.” He stopped, awaiting my reaction.

I had to say, this was an underwhelming offering. “I’d pass on that one.”

Slimey didn’t seem to take the rejection personally, just went on to the next product. “We’ve come up with a dual-use product. It is a tube of Donald J. Trump laxative and hemorrhoid cream. Put a little in your drink, and then a bit on your tuckus. A little dab will do you.”

I thought for a moment. “That has some promise. I can see that being useful for your key demographic groups.”

Slimey shook his head up and down in agreement. “Yes, I thought we had a winner with that one. Now just wait till you hear about this next offering. It’s Bigley Condoms. Each package guaranteed to fit even the most demanding customer.”

That one took me aback a bit. “Wouldn’t that product offend some of your key constituents? I know some of them hold to the belief that every sperm is sacred. A product aimed at recreational sex? Don’t think it will fly.”

Slimey looked a little sad. “I had high hopes for that product. Ah, well, this next one is sure to be a winner. It is toilet paper, but not ordinary toilet paper. It is paper with each square embossed with a T, outlined in 24k gold. This is aimed at our more discerning followers.”

Slimey had done it again. I could see this being a runaway success, especially if paired with the laxative. And this was the first product I could see with major cross-over appeal. Even those who oppose the Donald would jump at the chance to apply this to their bodies. “Slimey, you have a real winner here. I can see this one becoming a product for all Americans. This one could bring about true unity in our country.”

Slimey got up. He had received enough feedback to proceed. After he said his farewell, and disappeared beyond the Jefferson Memorial, I thought I would look forward to the opportunity to purchase some of this new product and give it the honor it deserved as it served its purpose.