Month: September 2023

State Secrets

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I got the call in the middle of the night. I could barely make out the words for all of the hissing and sibilance that came across the line. Those hints made me aware it was my friend Slimey, the original swamp monster from DC, who was calling me and disturbing my sleep.

Slimey was my friend, and I’m glad he took a shine to me. Imagine an 8’ tall reptile, with razor-sharp claws and teeth more reminiscent of an alligator than anything else you could come across in DC. Whenever I heard talk about “draining the swamp”, I could see humanity encountering the rest of Slimey’s family. It was only Slimey who had attempted to mingle with the rest of humanity, and really, once he put on a tailored suit which covered most of his tail, I had difficulty in picking him out from the rest of the K St. lobbyists. The one thing that always stood out though, was his size. He towered over the rest of us, and I guess that is why he was invisible to most of the inhabitants of DC. They were used to ignoring the biggest thing in the room, so of course, Slimey had the perfect disguise.

I tried to listen carefully. Slimey was directing me to come to the Tidal Basin as soon as possible. He wasn’t fooling around with any attempt to hide his abode. There had to be a good reason for this urgency.

It took me almost no time to pull on my pants and a t-shirt. Since it was still late summer, I didn’t need much else to stay warm. I ended up driving on the nearly deserted streets down towards the Jefferson Monument, where I would encounter Slimey. That was the place of our first meeting, shortly after the 2017 inauguration. Ever since then, I had encountered Slimey on streets, and at my front door. I instinctively felt that this retreat to Slomey’s home turf did not bode well for any of us.

I found myself near one of the streetlamps, sitting on a bench. Surely he could see me, and would approach. I still was taken aback when he emerged from the water itself, shaking to rid his skin of the extra water he brought up with him. No clothes this time, he was holding only a single document inside of a clear waterproof envelope. He took the few steps over to the bench and took his seat beside me.

“Well met, friend. I’ll bet you are wondering why I called you here.” Slimey was always one for delaying getting to the point. I had grown accustomed to his procrastination, so I remained silent, waiting for Slimey to proceed.

“I’ll not deceive you, this is the biggest thing I’ve ever had. I realized I could not deal with this myself, so that’s why I called you.” Slimey held up the envelope with the single piece of paper. “After this, I’ll not be able to show my face at all in this town. I’m going back home till all of this blows over.”

I finally found my curiosity was aroused. “Just what sort of thing do you have there?” I pointed towards the envelope, which was still grasped tightly in Slimey’s claws.

“This? This is the secret that will release all of the enemies. I can’t tell you how I got this.” Slimey looked agitated, and that is one state I hoped never to see – an agitated 8’tall reptile. I found myself sliding over to the edge of the bench, as far away from his claws as I could get while still staying somewhat close. I knew it would do no good if he ever really decided to use his immensely powerful, instantly deadly claws to tear open my unprotected gut, but the survival instinct kicked in, if only partially.

Slimey stood up. “All of the documents taken, all of the secrets. This one document explains everything. And I found I must turn it over to you.” He handed over the envelope, and gave only one instruction. “Wait until I’ve disappeared before you look at it.” With that, he quickly covered the distance to the water, and not caring who saw, he disappeared under the murky water into the DC swamps.

I waited for what seemed like minutes as he never breached the surface again. Finally, I opened up the waterproof envelope, and pulled out the single piece of paper. On it, there was only the following writing.

6’ 1” and 320 pounds.

Move Along. Nothing to See Here

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It must be nice to belong to a cult. Imagine having the ability to outsource all of your thinking. You just have to accept what your cult leader tells you, and even if the cult leader contradicts himself within a single setting, you can refer to his definitive posting is later on when he’s had the opportunity to correct reflect on what he said.  Never have to do your own processing of reality – you get reality spoon fed to you via regular dosage of your cult leader on your favorite media.

You do not have to have a functioning memory. So your cult leader can talk about how much respect has been lost internationally due to the feeble flailing of the current leader. You can eagerly forget the 2018 United Nations General Assembly meeting where the diplomats representing the nations of the world openly laughed at our dear leader. We should just get rid of the United Nations anyway. What use do we have of an organization that does attempt to set standards across international borders, anyway. We just need to go our own way and forget about the rest of humanity.

Oh, to revel in the selective memories of the cult leader. We do not need to proclaim our positions on any issue. We choose whatever the leader wants as a point of emphasis, and we will obfuscate, obliterate, and annihilate any attempt at the serious job of governance. We believe he is at the pinnacle of moral leadership. Witness the exploits of some of his most ardent supporters, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren “Boom-Boom” Boebert.  There has been enough ink spilled about Lauren’s latest adventure in high culture, but here’s a bit more. Nothing can demonstrate overt hypocrisy better than tweets about church services being preferred to drag shows by a member of Congress, than the public fondling by the selfsame member of Congress of a new boyfriend who happens to be the owner of a bar that takes part in a civic festival which includes hosting drag shows. But our cult leaders have spread their wings over these two exemplars of common sense and cocktail culture.

Soon we will be privy to one of the great spectacles of Federal governance. The total failure of one house of Congress to keep the lights on in said government. To the nihilist class, this represents a crowning achievement. We will put these overreaching, unelected bureaucrats in their places, and we will prune the branches of government down to the roots. Who needs any efforts at curbing the excesses of the excesses of corporations. After all, without some oversight of global corporations, we would all be wandering about in the wilderness, wondering where our pollution controls and labor standards went. If we are really lucky, the convulsions of one party (the party of the cult) will result in the decapitation of the leadership of the house. What is the over/under on the number of ballots it will take to select a new speaker? I myself think the number is over 50. Can you bet on this in Vegas yet?

I’m not certain we ever need to revert to reality again. It is so comforting to live in the adulation of our dear cult leader. We can snuggle up under our covers whenever someone brings up unfortunate facts. We can officially refuse to listen to them because they are coming from all of the fake media sources that somehow manage to exist outside of the control of the cult. But just wait. Because the cult leader has promised retribution against all who have waged war against his holy cause. We do need for someone to get control over the evil world that insists we are victims of a cult leader. How else can we expect his Pax Americana to take hold if there are any voices in opposition? I know, there may be a few eggs broken in the transition to a more perfect union, but will we really miss hearing from the voices of those who persist in saying such horrible things about our dear leader? I am quite certain that we will be much better off when we have such a wise leader back on the seat of power he had been expelled from in the last “election”.

I know there are those who exclaim that our dear leader has lost a step or two over time. But I am here to exclaim to you he has always been consistent in his personality, and has never had any propensity towards saying things that can be factually corrected by checking against previous statements. Any media source that would bring those things up are candidates for retribution when our dear leader resumes his reign. Again, I say to you, there is so much peace you can have by placing all of your trust into this man who inhabits a 6’3”, 215-pound body. He uses the Harold Hill school of exercise. If you just think about it, you don’t need to actually exercise to maintain fitness. Besides, if you exercise, you take away energy you may need in future years. You only have so much energy in your life. Remember, everything is transactional, and we live in a zero-sum world. We can only aspire to hold on to what we once had, and when that is gone, we don’t have a country left.

I wish I had more time to share with you the wonderfulness of our dear leader. But they are ringing the dinner chimes, and soon I will be led down to the room where they will release me from my strait jacket, if only for a while, so I can enjoy the meal provided by my dear leader.

The Joy of Kittens

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So we have ended our catless stretch. A couple of weeks ago, we adopted two kittens, each weighing easily less than a pound apiece, but their size belies their ability to get into mischief. Two fuzzballs, one a calico, one a tabby. Named Chessie, for the Chesapeake and Ohio mascot from years past (the calico), and Merry, short for Meriodoc the Hobbit. My first cat out of college was named Pippin, so now I have completed the set of inquisitive hobbits.

Kittens make you see things with fresh eyes. Shoes are evil, and the strings have to be set free and loose. Ceiling fans, too. They go round and round, and must be stared at in wonder. And then there are the occasions when some of their body emissions do not find their way into the litter box. That’s definitely the down side of things.

So many strings! Each one must be played with. And then there are the endless bouts of wrestling between them. Only once have I seen this wrestling become serious, and that is when I shared a slice of deli ham between them. The growls were real in that case. The rest of the time, they are only playing, and we only object when they are wrestling while atop us in bed at 6 AM. See, it is growing light by that time, so everyone should be up and about.

We can hardly wait for the upcoming holiday season. We can only hope that they do not choose our Christmas tree as their own personal mountain to climb. I can hear them right now as they chase each other through the house, the pitter-patter of their little feet skittering along the wood.

The other downside for these cats is they had fleas. We got them from the neighbor of one of our friends, and we feel good for helping these two kittens escaping from their less than desirable surroundings. Apparently the woman of the house refuses to get her animals spayed and neutered, so litters continue to be brought forth in steady procession. The lucky kittens get adopted out, the less lucky get turned out of the house and onto the street once they lose their kitten charms. Since these kittens are so small, a bath in Dawn dish soap and Johnson’s baby shampoo are the only things we can use to get at the fleas. We’ll see if we can keep these cats as indoor cats, because their flea control will be so much easier if we can eliminate them now, and the cats never become exposed to them later in life. It will be a challenge to keep them inside, since they have already taken to camping by the door whenever we go outside. My reflexes will be tested as I remember how to discourage their exploration by forcefully removing them from the vicinity of the door whenever they want to expand their horizons. Since we love our outdoor living room, that will be a challenge for both of us.

 They are at peak charm right now. I had forgotten what it was like to have two cats fall asleep atop of me, the two of them intertwined and exchanging positions slowly over time. When it is difficult to figure out where one cat begins, and the other cat ends, you figure that they are comfortable and happy to be where they are. And, after all, that is all you can hope with new kittens. That they are happy to be with you, and you are their 2nd best plaything (after each other).